Depersonalisation

I think I mentioned depersonalisation in passing in a previous post. It is not a widely known ‘condition’ but it is one that i know a fair amount about. Not only have I been experiencing it from the age of 13 but I also wrote a dissertation on the subject for a M.A. It is very difficult to describe properly mainly because the descriptions defy rational understanding.

But I shall try. I look down at my hand and it doesn’t belong to me. I look in the mirror and see a stranger. Essentially I feel unreal and detached from my own body, thoughts and the outside world.I feel like an automaton.My emotions are numbed.Even touching and hearing are different.

I had my first experience of this when I was 13 and was quite convinced I was going mad. I spent the best part of the summer locked in my bedroom to the extreme annoyance of my mother. Over the following few years i had sporadic episodes, some fleeting, some longer. Each time it happened I felt I was going mad. I was unable to tell anyone partly because it is so difficult to explain and partly because they would think I was going mad. It was bad enough me thinking it without others agreeing.

Over the next few years the experience became more frequent until it reached the stage when it was more or less permanent. Somewhere around this time I managed to mention it to my psychiatrist. And rather than being horrified he sat back and said ‘that’s depersonalisation and you probably think you are going mad. But you’re not’. A huge sense of relief washed over me.

Nowadays it comes and goes and varies in intensity. It still spooks me at times but I have pretty much learnt to live with. I can recognise that simple things like lack of sleep or bright lights can make it worse. Alcohol ironically helps.

If depersonalisation wasn’t enough there is also derelisation. The outside world appears foreign and new. It’s not real. It makes things like driving very difficult as concept of space and distances change. Getting both at once is a real double whammy which effectively renders me immobile.

There are a couple of research projects on the condition – one in America and the other at the Maudsley in London. My consultant offered to refer me but when I found out that he meant the London one rather than American I wasn’t quite so enthusiastic.

It was Indian head massage afternoon at the psych unit today. The physio comes in twice a week to minister his magic powers. Sometimes there is no one interested but today there was a queue of eager people. I sat in for a couple as a chaperone. The first patient fell asleep, the second one didn’t stop talking (mainly to her voice) thoughout. It was as if she had to check what she was feeling with her voice in order to validate the experience.

Other than that the day was fairly quite. I walked to the local shops with one of the male patients. he has been in hospital for about 10months and no one seems to know quite why. He is in the unfortunate position of being on a Home Office section for some demeanour he committed long ago. He has never appealed this and when he was brought in this time it was under the pre existing section. Which meant that everything from moving wards to escorted leave to unescorted leave, to eating and breathing is regulated by the Home Office and their approval is needed before any change can be made.

He is a bit of a lost soul wandering aimlessly around the hospital grounds. He has just been given escorted community leave so I took him shopping for new clothes last week. It is important to get him out and about as much as possible to try and reduce the effects of institutionalisation. When he finally gets discharged it is likely he will find the change from hospital to real world very difficult.