At one time I felt like I had seen most of the therapists in the region. I don’t take to therapy easily - I could win awards for my shoulder shrugging abilities. Having said that there were one or two particularly dire ones. One in particular insisted on coming to the house which i didn’t appreciate. Anytime I opened my mouth to say the most innocuos of things she would exclaim ‘how dreadful’. She lasted 3 sessions. Eventually I struck lucky – there is nothing like perseverence. I was referred to someone new to the Trust and went along feeling desperately sceptical.By the end of the session I thought that perhaps this was someone I could work with. You don’t have to like your therapist but you need to respect them. I did both in this instance. It helped that all along I had a very good consulatant psychiatrist who was gradually chipping away at my defences. I saw this therapist for about 18 months and then to my great disappointment she moved away from the Trust.
After that I saw one who was going to help me with depersonalisation only I quickly established that she didn’t know anything about it. So I sacked her. After that I saw someone else who did her very best to demonise my mother. Now I have had problems with my mother but I wanted to understand not condemn. After about 5 sessionsI realised that I knew far more about her and her family than she could ever hope to know about mine.So she was discarded.
And then the good psychologist came back to the Trust for a year and i was re-referred to her. it turned out that the time lapse had been quite helpful as had been the dud therapists. It made me appreciate what was on offer. Don’t let anyone ever tell you that therapy is seasy. Give me tablets any day. I was seeing her twice a week and my consultant once. In some ways I felt that psychology and psychiatry were taking over my life.Having said that my mother had had a serious stroke by this stage and both were enormously supportive. The psychologist sought to find reasons for the ‘issues’ I had with my mother. To understand and not to criticise.
And then she left again and it was a long while before I was referred to anyone else.I can’t quite recall why I was referred but referred I was. This time it is very different. The psychologist comes to the house with a nurse . I thought I wouldn’t like this but it has worked out ok.The therapy I ‘did’ before was psycho dynamic. I am now dabbling in cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT).It is not, as it were, strict CBT – there are no mood diaries and we periodically delve into the past. The focus is on anger and guilt as a key to depersonalisation but I fear that that might be too simplistic.
The trouble with depersonalisation is that the cause is not known. I suppose this goes for many mental illnesses but currently there is very little doubt in the medical and scientific world that schizophrenia, for example, is a brain disorder. Depersonalisation sits uncomfortably on the edge – is it a disordered mind and hence in need of psychoanalysis (God forbid) or another brain disorder, needing pills. Maybe both are needed. And if it is a brain disorder it may be that CBT which changes how one thinks can make organic changes to the brain.
It is indeed wise to hold out for decent therapists – there are some pretty bad ones about and they don’t seem to have to be accountable for what they do to people. It can be far more damaging than a course of prozac or quetiapine or clopixol etc.
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